The bomb between my teeth

I’d like to take a moment right now to talk about a recent scientific discovery that Max and I stumbled upon a few months ago, and only now do I feel I have enough to write about it.

Those of you familiar with my previous work will of course have heard of the now legendary-in-some-circles “Kimura-Wong Group Involuntary Reaction to Lovable Items Effect (G.I.R.L.I.E.)” Mr. Kimura and I, after many hours of observation of both the male and female of the human species (that is to say, homo sapiens sapiens (or, if space is a concern, homo sapiens^2)), concluded that groups of individuals, especially females, will involuntarily react to items deemed cute, cuddly, adorable or a combination of all three.

Further clinical analysis shows that, upon visual contact with such an item, a chain reaction with minimal latency will spread through the group in the form of a vocalized “Awwwwwww.” If sufficiently “cute” enough, vocalization may be accompanied by the action of covering the mouth with one or both hands. The length of this vocalization depends on multiple factors:

1. Number of females in group
2. Cuteness of item (determined via the “Wuvable Index”)
3. Presence of N.A.M.’s (Non-Attached Males)

Curiously, Kimura and I noted that this effect is not replicated in a group of male individuals. However, for reasons still yet unknown, if a number of males are present during a group female vocalization, they too will join in if they have some sort of relationship, platonic or otherwise, with members of the female group (Attached Males). A large number of Non-Attached Males cannot stop G.I.R.L.I.E., but can seriously cut down on expected length of vocalization. Finally, the larger the group of females, the lower the “Wuvable Index” of an item needs to be to elicit this response. The inverse is also true.

To prove this effect, I’ve arranged a very simple demonstration for you. Gather a group of at least three females around your computer, and listen carefully to their reaction as you scroll down and show them the following picture:

And now, I’d like to announce a new discovery. Upon entry into the realm of higher education, Mr. Geiger and I have noted a curious phenomenon, which we have called the “Geiger-Wong Collegiate Retrograde Aging Effect.”

Upon adaptation to “dorm life,” this effect immediately takes place. Males and females aged eighteen or more begin to exhibit behavior only seen in individuals approximately ten years younger. That is to say, college makes you “this many “(one must imagine a grown man holding up eight fingers and smiling adorably).

Conversational topics shift from the level of sophistication expected from young adults to a much simpler mode. Topics range from defunct television shows (especially on “Nickelodeon” channel), activities partaken during pre-teen years and possibly embarrassing but character-revealing stories of that time period, and subject matter generally appealing to the pre-teen male (ninjas, dinosaurs, astronauts, horses). More tellingly, actions that are most eagerly pursued by eight-year olds suddenly are taken on by college students. Examples of this range from playing with one’s food (getting way too much food, shaping excess food into juvenile shapes and structures, blowing bubbles in milk), unhealthy diet (Cocoa Puffs for dinner, overindulgence of French fried potatoes), irrational spontaneity (swimming in school fountain, kicking a skateboard with a cake on it), and general lack of inhibition and control.

Theories for this behavior are all over the map. I myself, having lent my name to this phenomenon, speculate that during the ages of eight to twelve, that is, immediately prior to one’s teenage years, parental control is the strictest, perhaps due in part to parental figures sensing that, very soon, any semblance of parental control will utterly disappear upon the child reaching puberty. Conversely, for the individual aged eight to twelve, the want and need for freedom becomes more urgent than any other time in one’s life, the body perhaps dimly sensing that, very soon, any innocence or freedom from societal, social, and peer pressure will be replaced by adult responsibility and maturity as soon as puberty is reached.

This rift – the parent’s will to control and the child’s will to be free both reaching their most urgent states, causes tremendous stress to the child, because despite their inclinations, the parents will always win. Thus, this urge to express one’s desires at this age is repressed until a time where it becomes both safe and culturally acceptable to express them again, a time where complete freedom from parental units is reached, that is freshman year at college. On top of this repression/release dichotomy, I believe that, upon facing the stress of the college experience, one naturally reverts to a time before the worries of the world are thrust upon one’s shoulders, that is, pre-pubescence.

How long this effect remains (or if it wears off ever at all) remains to be seen.

-f.w.