Yelp.com is my usual go to place for food reviews. Generally, they will point you in the right direction. However, about half of Yelp’s reviewers are the stupidest fucking idiots in the world. If a review of a goddamned RESTAURANT starts with an ENTIRE PARAGRAPH about what you were doing with your hipster friends before you got to the freaking restaurant, it’s usually safe to completely ignore the review.
My favorite are the ones that start off with qualifiers such as “Normally I hate this kind of food” or “I am not a fan of _____ food,” which to me is the exact same as writing “My opinion on this matter is literally useless but I am such an attention whore that I am giving it anyway.” And for some reason, Asian chicks seem to be the worst offenders of this.
Even better are the reviews that seem to be just fine for a place, and every indicator they put down seems to say they liked it, but then the review is 1 star. You never see this anywhere else – you never hear someone go “Oh man, Terminator was great! The effects were awesome! I had such a good time! The girl I took to it totally made out with me afterwards because that’s how good the movie was! Overall, the movie was 1.5 out of 5 stars. I can’t recommend it to anyone.) It’s like these people live in a bizzaro world where 1 star means “Great!” 2 stars mean “Pretty good!” and 5 stars means “Nuke this establishment from orbit”
So hey all you code junkies get on it – write a Yelp aggregator plug-in (like the YouTube Comments Snob plug-in that Chris Finke wrote) that analyzes the review for misspellings, and also if the reviewer invalidates their opinion in the first fucking line of their own review (“Normally I hate” and “Usually I never” and “Boyfriend dragged me” are all good first line indicators).
Here are some excerpts from my favorite idiot Yelpers I’ve come across:
seashell l. writes about Carnitas Michoacan #3 (2 star review):
I ventured into East LA in search of really good tacos. Mind you, I’m not really a fan of Mexican food, but a client of mine told me that he goes to East LA for tamales. So I figured…what the heck, I’ll check it out.
The first sentence and the second sentence literally cancel each other out. He is not a fan of Mexican food, yet he goes searching for really good tacos? That’s like me being like “Man, fuck soccer” while I jog to the local park wearing cleats in search of some pick up games. Also good work on telling us the gripping story of how you went to the restaurant.
Jill C. writes about Chanos (3 star review)
It’s Lent season again…the time where we, Catholics, choose a thing or two to give up for 40 days and 40 nights as well as not eating meat every Friday. This year, I chose to give up rice. Yes, it is crazy…but it was either that or sex. Which would you choose??? (alright then!)
Jill has spent the first paragraph of her review telling us about her religion and her choice for lent this year, and also somehow managed to slip in the fact that she’s a whore. Great job, Jill.
Also since the sex she is enjoying during Lent is possibly pre-marital, it would stand to reason that she sucks ass at being a Catholic, which makes the fact that she’s giving up rice totally arbitrary. I love it when you can join a religion and pick and choose which parts to follow.
Why’d you give up rice, Jill? What possible difference could it make!? You’re getting railed non-stop, you think God is going to be like “Yeah, well even though you were getting it good, you diiiiid give up rice, so… COME ON IN!”
We STILL haven’t had ANY indication what this review is about yet either. Here’s the rest of the “review:”
Not eating rice hasn’t been so bad. The hard part is that I always forget when Friday comes around. After skipping dinner to catch a movie, my stomach was not happy with me. Skipping meals does no good anyway. It only slows down your metabolism. It defeats the purpose. Chano’s seemed like a good idea at the time. They are open late and a small taco fix should suffice.
Two tacos Al Pastor. $1.59 each. Green hot sauce. That was good enough for me and my growling tummy.
Then I remembered the next day that I wasn’t supposed to eat MEAT! Ugh! Everyday I get closer to hell.
We get about two lines talking about what she ordered, and how it filled her up. That’s IT? This is what counts as a restaurant review? It’s mostly just vapid ranting and attention whoring about how Lent is so hard for her! Boo fucking hoo, hipster scum.
By the way, Jill has 500+ friends and is Yelp Elite. Also, Asian chick. Just saying.
Jesus Christ, all her reviews are like this.
Charles M. writes about La Taquiza (2 star review)
Not the finest dining I have had here in Los Angeles. To begin with, La Taquiza is in a SKETCH part of LA. I’m not talking just a little bit sketchy. I’m talking about SUUUPER sketchy. Homeless dudes yelling everywhere, lowriders with huge basses thumping by, and all sorts of inner LA sketchiness. Being a white kid from NorCal, this restaurant’s neighborhood is not exactly where I should be hanging out everyday.
Oh man if he hadn’t said he was a white kid from Nor Cal I never would have guessed. Really? Figueroa a hair south of downtown is capital SKETCH part of LA? Hot balls, if that’s “sketch” then the place I’m living now must be a freaking oil painting of danger. I wonder if he comes from a family with money? Let’s find out based on a line from a random review for a car wash:
My family and I have been getting car washes here all my life. Between our 5 cars, that’s a HUGE amount of car washes.
Check. But I wonder… how rich? His review for a country club suggests: Very. Now, I wonder if he’s raging against the machine due to his rich upbringing? Perhaps his 1 star review of In-And-Out will shed some light on this:
But I learned not too long ago that the company (In-and-Out) donates disgusting amounts of money to right wing fundamentalist christian organizations. Being a militant Atheist, I strongly disagree with fundamentalist christian views, such as the hate for fellow human beings expressed in Proposition 8. Therefore I will NEVER again in my life give a single dollar to the In n Out company until they prove that they have completely changed their views.
Double check.
Erin H. writes about Tommy’s (1 star review)
Seriously now, what’s the deal with everyone loving this place. Everytime I drive by it’s a long line. My boyfriend will leave the house to go get some Tommy’s (3 minute drive) and it takes him an hour. He comes back with food items that are barely recognizable underneath a mountain of brown sludge that i’m told is ‘chili’.
Her entire first paragraph suggests her review is based on driving by and seeing a long line, and the fact that her boyfriend brings back food that doesn’t look appetizing to her.
Sandi K. writes about Galco’s (3 star review)
I expected Galco’s to be a little bigger. I was looking for sodas without caffeine or high fructose corn syrup and found about a dozen or so that we hadn’t tried before.
Middle of the road review for what must have been a disappointing experience for her. A dozen sodas they never tried before wasn’t enough, and the place was smaller than she though. Wonder-fucking-full.
James S. writes about Paseo (1 star review)
Not a review of the food.
Always a good sign.
I went Saturday night: out of sandwiches. I went tonight. Sold out of sandwiches. 1 star for being really out of sandwiches = being really annoying. I asked about it and the guy, although kind of ‘nice’ wasn’t saying anything other than “yep..sold out”. It would have been nice had he pulled his head out and said ” you know, we’re out of sandwiches, again, I’m sorry about that…here’s the deal…we just don’t have room to store extra bread…or meat…or whatever” as opposed to just “yeah..we’re out”…I know you’re out, I’m more curious to know why after running out so consistently you don’t prep for more sandwiches. Anyway…after I get around to eating one (it’s been a year since my last go around) I’ll write a proper food review. But until then…I’ve spent about $10 on gas just to hear “yeah..we’re out”
Basically King James gives the place 1 star because they’re sold out (which should say something about how good they are) two nights in a row when he manages to raise himself from his throne and drag himself over to the establishment. Then, when the employee doesn’t suck him off with an explanation of why they’re out (which any idiot, including King James himself, can infer), he rages against em and leaves this scathing review.
Really you freaking moron? Why don’t you just make more sandwiches? AS IF THE OWNER HAD NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT? As if the OWNER thought, “Gee we sell out a lot if only we had more sandwiches. Oh well, since I HATE MONEY I guess I’ll just stay the course!”
James is probably the kind of idiot who claimed the Nintendo Wii shortage was a calculated effort by Nintendo to deprive their company of FREE MONEY.
Jason A. writes of Paseo (2 star review)
“Why so hostile?” you might ask. This place is overrated. Overrated like the MPAA overrates movies. Yeah, that overrated.
Jason A needs a basic lesson on how the MPAA works. They assign a rating not based on quality but on content. You can’t “overrate” that. If the MPAA assigned twelve R reviews to a movie, then they’d be “overrating” it. Jason sucks at simile. Not like me – I’m awesome at it. Take a look up the page at the masterful “sketchy/oil painting” pun-tafor I made. That shit was awesome.
Finally one more before I have an aneurysm:
Kristen S. (Another Yelp ELITE, by the way) writes of Dick’s Drive-in (1 star review)
I think Dicks is greasy. But I’m a vegetarian so I don’t get the burgers, but the fries are gross- so are the shakes. I suppose it’s not about the food…but really…what is it about then?
YOU STUPID CUNT IT IS ABOUT THE FOOD.
IT’S ABOUT THE FOOD YOU DON’T EAT BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKING VEGETARIAN REVIEWING A GOD DAMNED BURGER PLACE
Augh! Fuck Yelp! Anybody else have any good terrible reviews to share?
hohoho that was hilarious. I don’t have any bad reviews to add tho, sorry mon.
Yelp sucks! It provides an outlet for idiots to cast their opinions in an uneducated manner – anonymously! I have a winery and which means we are an ABC licensed and bonded premise. We cannot allow any alcohol on site except for our wine. I had customers who brought in a jug of wine from another vineyard – they did not even buy my wine. They were loud and disruptive,breaking the law and so I made them leave my property. The next day I received hate email and a crap review on Yelp…I did nothing wrong but they shit-yelped me! I cannot do anything about it! I also was negatively yelped by a competitor as their attempt to lower my rating. Again, nothing I can do.
In this day and age where opinions are everywhere due to technology, the damage done is swift and mighty. Business owners are forced to kiss the ass of the consumer even when they are rude idiots who should be booted from our establishments. We live in fear of being cyber-bullied.
The clincher…I was told by a customer that if I didn’t give a free tasting then he’d write a negative review on Yelp…and he did. Welcome to my anxiety.
The problem with Yelp is that, like most things with star ratings, it’s mostly 5s and 1s, and 1s tend to be the most vocal. There needs to be a “grain of salt” plugin that goes through a Yelp reviews and automatically discards reviews with key phrases indicating the user is an idiot.
Also, the rating system should implement some degree of user base filtering. Reviews that are clearly from competitors are obvious – brief, one star, and the user has no other reviews and probably picked a totally lame username. These reviews shouldn’t even show up until the user can prove they’re capable of reviewing more than one of their competitors negatively. Put some effort in it, man!
Yelp blows At one point I had 13 positive reviews, now after saying i would not be spending advertising dollars on them I have 3. FUCK YELP>
oohh man you had me going! nice post.
ex·tor·tion (k-stôrshn)
n.
1. The act or an instance of extorting.
2. Illegal use of one’s official position or powers to obtain property, funds, or patronage.
3. An excessive or exorbitant charge.
4. Something extorted.
If you wish to dispute a negative review on Yelp, you must sign up your business to yelp services. Further, if you wish positive reviews your loyal clients will also have to not only sign up but also be active members or their positive reviews will be flagged and removed.
Essentially and by the very definition of the law it’s extortion. Yelp’s value as a company is increased for every member it signs up. The more negative reviews posted the more it generates end users.
okay this one is funny!
David L is reviewing McDonalds
McDonald’s
Category: Fast Food
1 star rating
1/29/2010 First to Review
I’ve had it with this McDonald’s. After eating at this McDonald’s, I’ve received raw bacon with my Mcmuffin and Filet O Fish with the cold virus attached. Yes, the bacon was completely raw and I did get an exchange for a new McMuffin. After eating the Filet O Fish, I got a cold the next day. I rarely get colds. No one around me had a cold except when I witness someone sneezing and coughing while preparing food at McDonald’s. The dude must have sneeze at my Filet O Fish.
—-
oh my fucking god. It’s fucking Mcdonalds!! What do you expect? “First to review” no fucking kidding!? Yeah I rarely get colds so the dude MUST have sneezed in my filet of fish!
PLEEEEEZE post the above: here’s the link! http://www.yelp.ca/biz/mcdonalds-burnaby#hrid:_ltBNd2RM9SRRxH-8cDegA
okay here’s another — same guy.
1 review for A&W Restaurant
David L.
Burnaby, BC
1 star rating
12/13/2009
First to Review
This A&W at the Metrotown food court should be known as Ass & Wipe. I warn you, do not eat at this A&W people it’s not sanitary. I ate here and I ended getting diarrhea afterwords in two seperate occasions. I repeat, eat here at your own risk.
—————————————-
— ahh, yeah .. thanks for sharing all that with us! How about READ his review at your own risk! What really gets me though is if you had it happen once why did he go back for a second helping. Was that just to confirm it was unsanitary?
sorry here’s the link for the a&w review.
http://www.yelp.ca/biz/a-and-w-restaurant-burnaby#hrid:xzAEFsQbccogfNxeKT3hFg
Hey,
That’s why we came up with my own http://www.greenbor.com.
Check it out and let me know what you think… there is not a lot of reviewer yet at greenbor, but more restaurants in our database than Yelp! for sure.
It was a good writeup though, I enjoyed reading it…
[...] Wong posts a very insightful observation of Yelp on his blog. The reasons he lists are part of why I haven’t relied on that site for quite a [...]
Your article is so, so true…
Get a load of this one, A vegan going to an Argentinian restaurant, where every dish is all about hearty meat and potatoes.
———————
Jade P.
I judge.
Austin,TX
“Go for lunch. The menu is better, the service is better, and the prices are better.
I’ve been to this place twice now, once for lunch and once for dinner. My lunch experience far surpassed my dinner experience.
We had a slow waiter. He was really friendly, but christ almighty, he took ages to get anything done. The kitchen made me a “chef special” because I’m vegan, and it was basically a bowl of broccoli, green beans, spinach, peppers, and tomatoes sauteed with olive oil. Now I can’t really complain about that because I love veggies and I *did* have to order off the menu, but what I got wasn’t really the bomb for 15 bucks.
They have a nice menu for those who are omnivorous and the place is cute, but I’d save my time and money and go somewhere else. Its alright, but nothing to write home about.
If you are looking for a delicious lunch, though…hit this place up. Just skip dinner.”
There is a Yelp filter that tries to improve the reviews somewhat, but it definitely has room for improvement.
Yelpers like Jill C. scare the crap out of me, they treat the site like it’s their goddamn blog. What you get are basically blog posts and followers, regardless of how helpful the reviews actually are. That much activity leads to their reviews being highly ranked despite the fact that they are not very good.
Jill’s profile: http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=NAm3hV0699Z4zo3-4bSbFQ
To be quite honest your writing is just as offensive as that in the reviews you’re criticizing.
You were on to something good but then you ruined it by doing little more than attacking the character of those that posted Yelp reviews you didn’t like (She likes sex so she must be a whore, “stupid cunt”, etc etc).
This guy is borderline retarded and yet he’s somehow made Elite for four years straight:
http://www.yelp.com/user_details?userid=LAd6oAU2_e-rbGK-hzlAJw
This is actually one of his reviews:
“Fast action moving and storage is a moving and storage company! They are a business! They are located in the United States of America! They are owned by human beings! Their name is fast action moving and storage! That is their name! They get paid to move your belongings from one place to another! They might steal your underpants! If they stole my underpants, they would see a lot of nervous streaks that look like bacon strips! When the aliens come to take over the planet, they will hire fast action moving and storage! Fast action moving and storage singlehandedly killed off the dinosaurs!”
What a comedian! And yet, this is the kind of stupid shit that Yelp rewards. Shows how much of a joke that place really is.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/carberrys-bakery-and-coffee-house-cambridge#hrid:qStJMnRTFl74mcq-uCkjPw
you had me for a while, because I think people suck at reviews for the most part, but then you just started whining about everything people said, even the good stuff like where it’s located and how helpful the staff was. That’s actually pretty damn important, so you kinda shot your own thesis when you put up examples that are helpful. I mean, shit, professional reviews suck just as bad, most of the time even worse. so I guess I should read all of your perfect reviews to see how it’s done.
It’s just really simple, you skim for what makes sense. Don’t follow a vegan’s advise unless you are veg/vegan and don’t read about why someone went unless you care. That’s also the rule of averages… okay I have no idea what the rule of averages is, but it’s like a rule or an average thing: as long as there are good reviews or accurate ratings, the outliers don’t matter.
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Check it out: http://www.becauseyelpsucks.com
That had to be the funniest damn thing I’ve read in months. The whole “I have an opinion and no matter how vapid it is, you’re gonna listen to it!!!1!” is pure silliness, but it does serve to occasionally point out the douche bags.
Thanks for the laugh.
If you don’t like Yelp, don’t read it.
This just in, Americans are retarded, especially the ones on the western coast.
Alert the internets!
Instead of using Yelp, use Google reviews. Google business, the click on “Place page”.
Yelp’s review filter makes Yelp worthless!
What drives me the most crazy are the people that review a local joint, but can do nothing but compare it to a joint in another city.
no shit, so the korean restaurant (run by koreans, in a korean part of town) in California sucks compared to all the great Korean restaurants in…. KOREA!!
Sorry, but again, the Asians are the worst offenders.
I’m from California, but now live in Portland. Portland – although relatively small – has a very legitimate restaurant scene. It can go toe to toe with many larger cities on the culinary scene.
But check out a review of a Vietnamese joint. Goddam! Half the reviews will be from young Vietnamese chicks and dudes dedicating their yelp review to how this place sucks compared to all the great Vietnamese restaurants in LA.
This made me laugh and rage in a good way. Thanks!
Here’s one for a tattoo shop in Portland. It’s the only 1 star review on the page and goes on for about a mile. You cant miss it.
http://www.yelp.com/biz/atlas-tattoo-studio-portland
Excerpt:
“I even went so far to get his zodiac sign himself to see how much Cardinal he has in his chart (which can represent how much creative prowess (or upside) any given person is born with) and Lew (being a Taurus Ox – like Hitler was) had only around 7 points out of a possible 30. Almost everything up to a couple weeks before I eventually got inked was telling me to pass on this person and I should have gone with my gut.”
His image attachments are a nice touch as well.
He even complains that “the studio is fairly far away from where I live, so I could not just walk in any oL time and pick his brain.” and… what if it had been close to his house? Fire the client or get a restraining order. Overall, it seems he did the shop a favor.
Frickin’ hilarious! I love it, Fred!
If you not happy with YELP, then hit them where it hurts… in the pocket book $$$$, tell your friends about http://www.BLURBITNOW.COM, it’s unfiltered, open forum, and no sales people. PLUS the reviewers get rewarded for Blurbing, after every 25 BLURBS they receive a reward.
Yelp is asking for trouble. When you decline to spend money on yelp advertizing, all your 4 & 5 star reviews are filtered out. It is very easy to go to the filtered out reviews and take a look at the dates.
Beware of directly speaking to yelp on the phone. Never directly decline the sales pitch. Better to keep putting them off (if yelp reviews affect your business). When I questioned yelp about this practice, all the previously filtered good reviews miraculously reappeared. Guess I struck a nerve.
We have been baiting yelp for the past year and when we get enough proof of unfair business practices, our layers will let us know. We suggest all that are being “strong armed”, do the same.
FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION PHONE NUMBER 1-877-382-4357
i am a small business owner who has run afoul (by being in business longer and having a better product, i dare add) of a competitor.
the competing business has bombarded me (using YELP) with out and out fabrications, libelous accusations, and outrageous drivel via what i can only assume to be one writer with several pseudonyms or one (very unethical) ‘on-line presence’ service with a stable of (fiction) writers masquerading as unhappy clients.
i have written to yelp on many occasions to explain. you have a better chance of finding God. i haven’t found a phone # you can call (unless, of course, you want to buy advertising), and all my letters have elicited only (the same, word for word), boilerplate answers generated by some robot.
i finally got so angry i called the FTC (federal trade commission), at 877-382-4357.
they filed a complaint, and said if they see a pattern (meaning a lot of angry businesspeople filing complaints) they will go after them (yelp).
the gentleman i spoke with seemed particularly interested in the “extortion for advertising” angle.
so what are you waiting for??? if yelp has wronged you as it has me, CALL NOW AND FILE A COMPLAINT!!!
FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION—- 1-877-382-4357